1234.

Urban Dictionary (hahaha)

2010-08-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

Urban Dictionary

Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answers to the following questions.
Post the first definition it gives you.

Your name: Erika

Possibly one of the sexiest girls on the face of the earth. They are so much fun to be around, But, a downside is that they are too fine for you. Usually not skanks or hoes have tons of friends and are in middle class families. Has friends that will destroy people that want to harm her. Gets hit on a lot by guys isn't stuck up or a bitch, although they tend to have a bitchy friend or two.

Dude, you see Erika today? Man, she was fine as hell!

Your age? 16

Legal age for fucking in the UK.

1. Woohoo! I'm 16! Now I can go and get my brains fucked even more by some guy.

2. Shit, now I can't fuck guys over threatening statutory rape after they fuck my brains out.

3. Woohoo! My girlfriend turned 16 today. Now I can fuck her brains out in front of the cop shop! and give them the finger at the same time! ...Next day: *knock at door* "I'm afraid we're going to have to take you to the station for indecent public behaviour, and for having sex with a minor - she turned 15 yesterday, not 16" ... "Shit, the fucking bitch slut!"

One of your friends? Maggie

A girl who doesn't trust or fall in love easily. (CAUTION: if you are lucky enough to have her fall for you, she has a soft heart that is easily hurt. Be good to her.) She can be confusing, but only needs you to tell her and things will clear up. She can be beautiful inside and out. Her spirit draws you to her like a magnet. Once you know her, everyday is new. You can never be sure that you know everything about her.
Man, you are so lucky to have a girl like maggie.

What should you be doing? cleaning

(v) The act of shoving everything in a closet and calling it decent.

"I'm cleaning my closet."

"Where are you shoving all your stuff then?"

"My room."

"Ah."

Favorite color? red
Flavor of kool-aid to a black person.

Mom: Ey hunnah! I'm hittin' up the local Safeway. Does yo bitch ass need anythin!?

Son: Yeah git me some kool-aid bitch!

Mom: What flava?!

Son: red!

Month of your birth? february

February is the best month of the year. Its still nice and cold and snowy, but you know that spring is just around the corner if you're tired of all the bad weather. February is also the most unique month. 28 days long,(unless its every four years on a 'leap' year) Valentine's Day is also in February. (the fourteenth)It's a fun holiday named after St. Valentine, and it's for cute happy couples. Many single or unhappy peope celebrate the anti Valentines day, ie. Singles Awareness Day. People born in February are without a doubt the Cutest, Smartest, and Funniest set of people. If you are born after the 20th, you are also a PISCES. This is the best Zodiac sign.

"Kristy is so cute! Shes nice too! How did she get so purfect and talented?"

"She was born in February"

"OF COURSE! THAT MUST BE IT"

oh yeaah

2010-07-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

it's because we share an ocean. ;D

progress

2010-07-18T01:54:00.001-07:00

listening to the music play when i logged onto my blogger tonight, opened something up in me. in writing i tend to coat words and try so hard to find a word that will make more sense, sound better, be pretty or flow "better". what is better? i want to know, i want to know! a lot of craziness has happened in my head, and i don't know how to explain it really. i feel like i've swam in a circle even though i know i've moved forward. it's crazy, i tell you. sheer insanity. i don't get how i can get up in the morning and look in the mirror at my gross face, my fat, my mop of hair, and still go out in public. of course after shower and make up and hair do'ing but when i come home at night, and plop wherever i plop down (i'm good at that, doing the dive and collide with furniture....and floors) i can't help but be slightly disgusted. at the same time, though, i have days where i feel totally empowered and i can be like I LOOK LIKE UTTER SHIT- and not have a care in the world about it. i pick so much at what i didn't do during the day, but looking back at a year ago, six months ago, even, i don't do it nearly as much, not half as much. it's not the most important thing on my mind, worries and anxiety isn't the first thing i think about and the last thing i think about. i'm trying to be a better person by being honest about myself and really, REALLY feeling the things i feel and not tucking them back inside. i know from experience that that gets me absolutely nowhere. if i take apart november of 2009, i was a wreck of all kinds of things. i didn't feel like a real human being and time was kind of in a stand still. it wasn't really going anywhere, and that's what i felt like. but going through christmas and new year's and my birthday in february and then my niece's and sister's birthday in march, the months passed by slowly and surely but the one thing i figured out was that i can always count on time to pass. tomorrow will be here shortly and if this day is horrible and rotten, i can always try again tomorrow. but i try to make the best of the shit days because i might not GET a second chance tomorrow. so i've reached a sort of compromise in my head- if i don't like how i am today, i'll make the best of what i am today, bad, good or just mediocre. but i will at least try to be positive. and if (hopefully, when) tomorrow arrives, i'll get up and do it again with a smile on my face and a big, warm, open heart. if that isn't progress, i don't know what is. i think i'm safe to say i'm content with where i am right now. now to just chew on some other stuff, but my hand is going to fall off if i don't stop typing. xo

each coming night...

2010-06-19T17:58:00.001-07:00

"You are often disappointed by the realities of life: the shortcomings of others or yourself. Somehow you don't want to accept the imperfections of the world, a feeling that drives you constantly to try improve upon it. But, rather than be satisfied with your efforts, and those of others, you relentlessly push on, striving for greater accomplishments. You are often unsatisfied with the results. In short, you lack the perspective that would otherwise make it possible for you to enjoy life more fully, and to accept it as natural limitations."

______________________

You used to be so witty and so sharp
With lots of energy and tons of heart
I think about how you were way back then
A lot has changed

I know you still dress the same but still
Your face it carries evidence of ills
If life is just a bunch of memories
Then what are these?

I know all of the specifics of your life
The last two years have been one long dark night
The tunnel's black and you don't see an end
From where you've been

I see you now and you just seem so blank
I recognize your name but not your face
You sleep all day but even when you're awake
You're worlds away

I can't believe how long it takes to mend
Malpractice by the hand of just one hand
The world has simply turned its back on you
To make their line go quicker

-Worlds Away by Summer At Shatter Creek

2010-06-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

close your eyes.

2010-04-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

You hope and you pray. You stay up all night and beg for everything to just stay the way it is. You can punch a wall and you can remain in your bed all day and sleep away countless hours, trying to get rid of the thoughts you do not want. You can push away people and places and walk so far from everyone and just sit in the grass. Maybe you decide to lay on a brick wall that seperates the town from the sea and let the wind run its fingers through your hair. You do not have to stay awake longer than you want and there is no rush to stand up on your own again. The sky will fade consistently from blue to grey and dark and then back but every day it will change. The clouds will move and the sun will come and go. Snow may drift down and the rain may fall harder, but the earth will wash it all away. The grass beneath your feet will grow, and grow and grow. If you stay still long enough, the sun will burn your back and if you let the tears flow, you might begin to float in them, but only just a bit. If you can get yourself to sleep, your dreams may not be pleasant. There could be monsters and demons but somewhere along the way things will change. You will stand up and shake the dirt out of your clothes and take a step forward. Sometimes you might turn your head back and you will fall down countless times. It is impossible to say where you'll fall and how long you'll stay there, but there is always the possibility to get up and dance. The sun will shine, the rain will freeze you to the bone and the seasons will change in a blink of an eye. You are alive and you are allowed to be in love, and to be in pain. We don't know our feelings and we don't know ourselves. Where it is we're going is not where we have been before, even though the scenery tends to stay the same. Stop asking questions and make your own answers. Let the things that can change become what they will and the things that won't change remain what they are. Everything is beautiful if we let it be.

manhattanhenge.

2010-04-05T20:45:00.002-07:00

I will see it before I die.

gmorning.

2010-04-05T20:45:00.001-07:00

"Wonder why the sky's the color it is today,

why the blue jays stopped coming in to play.

Oh, mama, can you tell me why the wind calls

the leaves into a circle up above the sidewalk?"

Every morning, when I wake up, thoughts flood my mind. I wonder why the sky is sometimes clear and sparkling with different shades of blue, while other mornings pink and orange shine behind a black mountain. To me, it seems that nature has a way of adapting to one's emotions. A leaf dotted with frozen dew on a chilly winter morning can ignite a sense of wonder into you. It can conjure up images of warm things and warm people. A thorny branch that caught your leg on a blistering August afternoon, will forever serve a reminder of summers past, because there will always be that nearly invisible scar just above the ankle; the one that only you can see.

I often find myself wondering about the silence of the early morning. I think of the stillness of the grass and the crawling earthy things that haven't come up to enjoy the day yet, and of the people still inside their houses. Though I may not be a morning person, I am an observer, and I see many things that most do not notice. So, maybe next time, instead of stopping to smell the flowers, take a good look. There's beauty all around you, from the sidewalk all the way to the bird's nest in the tree top.

im a sucker for snail mail and handmade cards.

2010-04-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today, I've just been reading a lot. I'm about halfway through The Lovely Bones and it's been making me think.

I also opened up an old book sitting on my bookshelf, entitled 'The Encyclopedia of Photography', labeled as Volume 2 AQ-BAC. It has photographic terms, techniques, artists, and that sort of stuff written alongside old film photographs, both in black and white and color. In the center of the book, I found a stash of old newspaper clippings, cards, letters, notes and drawings. Some were as old as sixth grade, and some as new as September. That was super exciting and I spent quite some time reading and looking through them. Some brought back really good memories and there were a few that made me cry my eyes out.

But remembering is good, and so I felt good.

I am going to return the stash and the book back to where I found it, so I can 'find' it again in the future.

why yes.

2010-04-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

"You should never let yourself be fooled by visual aesthetics, for the beauty you can uncover by tapping into the soul is by far more satisfying." - Author Unknown

mozart.

2010-04-05T20:38:00.002-07:00

Was a genius.

The End.

nineteensixtytwo.

2010-04-05T20:38:00.001-07:00

Why does the sun go on shining?

Why does the sea rush to shore?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

'Cause you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder,

Why everything's the same as it was.

I can't understand,

No I can't understand-

how life goes on the way it does.

Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said 'goodbye'.

Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they now it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said 'goodbye'.

-'The End of the World'

(Skeeter Davis; 1962)

short and sweet-

2010-04-05T20:36:00.003-07:00

afar.

2010-04-05T20:36:00.001-07:00

her crystal eyes opened;
swiftly fluttered awake
up and down
scanning the walls
searchng the ground.
frigid breeze wrapping,
a whirlpool around her ankles.
thin silk floating in the air
opening and collapsing onto skin;
a single curl lay twisted
spiraled across her shoulders-
navy blue sparkling irises
the color of oceans afar;
glowing opaque pupils
piercing and pulling
a hand slid up
to wash a tear,
and dropped;
along with memory and fear.

optimism.

2010-04-05T20:35:00.001-07:00

somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
if only time flew like a dove
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

holding onto patience, wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
if only time flew like a dove
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

and we've got time on our hands
and we've got, got nothing but time on our hands
got nothing but, got nothing but
got nothing but time on our hands

this time we're not giving up
oh, let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
"hallelujah"
"hallelujah"

-Paramore 'Hallelujah'

"It is all worth it."

simplicity?

2010-04-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

You know, people say funny things and don't even think about it- I mean, you flew all the way around the world to get to where you were going, you say; but if you honestly did, wouldn't that have landed you exactly right where you started?

Just a thought. :)

reflection.

2010-04-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

if you allow your eyes to linger
transfixed on images of the past
you'll discover yourself drowning
gasping and wheezing for breath
your heart will freeze mid-beat
with mind deep in thought;
and your soul will slip away
floating between dying trees
you will attempt to catch yourself
and hastily stitch the mistakes shut
as dreams collect, stacked upon the last
expanding, collapsing, imploding-
before you can adjust your vision
onto the day swiftly drawing near
you will be sinking into a spiral
spinning as a top on granite
and the staircase will have gained
nearly ten additional flights
of uneccassary steps you must climb
in order to relieve yourself of the pressure.

- 3 March 2010

yikes!

2009-11-26T19:04:00.000-08:00

"You treat me just like another stranger;

well, it's nice to meet you, sir,

I guess I'll go,

I best be on my way out."

-Ignorance by Paramore.

Start.

2009-10-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

soft words escape from my lips and
find their way into your ears.
these autumn secrets fall from the trees
and don't look back on their past.

what do i notice, that you don't want me to see?
what can I tell you, hint at and run to,
underneath the blanket of stars?

don't ever worry about the pain,
beause it isn't yours.
listen hard to my lesson,
please don't wander too far from here.

and I have noticed , why don't you see it?
what will I tell you, subtly mention,
underneath the vastness of the stars?

wrap up your heart with a soft blanket,
don't ever mention how sorry you are.
let the sky guide you, let it awake you,
let it open up your arms.

what do I see through, why can't I feel you?
which one is over, which one is under,
how many times have you cared?

Now I will savor,
every last moment,
wondering where you are.

This is not intended for anyone in particular; at least, not that I am connciously aware of.:)

2009-09-16T18:19:00.001-07:00

1) "This too will pass, this feeling will not last."
Think of how temporary a feeling or situation is. It may feel intense and like it won't ever go away, but in reality, it always does. Things change rapidly. Acknowledge it, and remind yourself of it.
2) Perspective.
There is always more than one way to look at a situation. There is no right or wrong way to look at it, but remember that there is always an up side to every down side, and the other way around. Try to put yourself in someone elses shoes, and look at the situation differently. There's more than one solution or coping mechanism, and the best thing is to find the one that works, for you.
3) Love.
When you open your eyes to how many people love you, it can change your entire world. Just be willing to understand what people are tellinng you. And more importantly, let yourself be understood.
4) Being open.
Don't be close minded. Be open to suggestions and criticism and feedback. If the feedback or criticism is negative, think about it, still. If you know that you are okay with what was said and you don't want or need to change it, then simply put it on the bookshelf in your brain. It's okay to feel upset or shaken by it, but don't let it control your thoughts. You are who you are, only change what you deem is neccassary to better yourself.
5) Forgiveness.
People will hurt you. People will dislike you. That's just life. But, if we hold a grudge for every mean word or every snicker, we won't get very far. Forgive the people that do wrong by you, and you will have a very heavy weight lifted from your shoulders. It is difficult to forgive others' mistakes,large ones at that, but it can be done.
6) Acceptance.
Accept who you are. Accept your ability to change and learn, and make mistakes. Be who you want to be, and be proud of that. Everyone has quirks, everyone has annoying habits, nobody is perfect.
7) Recognition of talent and capablities.
Everybody is capable of so many things, it would be impossible to list them all. Everyone is unique and talented in their own special way. We are all capable of love, of obtaining friends and of forgiveness. We have many talents, whether they be in atheltics or arts, academics or people skills. Each individual is different, and that is okay.
8) "I am human and I have the right to make mistakes."
It is most certainly within the boundaries of human nature, to make mistakes. Big mistakes, medium mistakes, little mistakes; spelling mistakes. We each have the right to make as many mistakes as we possibly can within our lifetime. It does not make you a bad person, it makes you human.
9) "I am loved and am able to love others."
You are loved, no matter how much you refuse to believe so. At least one person in this world, be it someone close to you, or someone you haven't even met yet, loves you unconditonally. Be patient and understanding, and you will run into this person or realize who this person is, eventually. And always remember, you can love as many people as your heart desires. The more the merrier, is so true.
10) Reframing negative thoughts and events into positive situations and circumstances.
The most difficult thing to learn, is to learn to take something absolutely negative and make it less severe. It hurts to put things into perspective but it helps. Sometimes it's all you need to do, is to stop and think "How could this be worse?" and then be thankful that it's not.

_{And as always, remember you are not perfect, nor should you feel like you need to be.
We are human, we are individuals, and we are unique.
Love yourself, be proud of yourself, and be happy with yourself.
You deserve it.}

:)

2009-09-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Friend,
To me, it doesn't matter how tall you are, or how short you are, how skinny or how big you are. To me, it doesn't matter if you're introverted and shy or totally extroverted and outgoing. It's not really a big deal if you're pretty or ugly. You don't have to be good at sports or good at math, or even good at art. You don't have to be inspirational or motivated. Pessimist or optimist, it's all good. Your religion plays no part in how I look at you. Neither do your political views or your birthday. To me, life is about how you make it, about how you live it, and who you live it with. It's not a beauty contest and it's not a battle to see who's stronger or smarter. You earned my trust, and so that means I trust you with my life. But only until you give me a good reason not to, and even then, you'll get chances, because I will never give up on you. Other people will say that money will buy happiness, but I say, only love will earn you happiness. The love you deserve is all the love in the world. You deserve the best and so I will try my hardest to treat you with the utmost respect. All I could ever ask is that you pass it on to someone else. You could betray me and I'd still love you, because I just do. You could stab me in the back and all I'd ask is 'why?'. Life gives you lemons and I'll be the one helping you squeeze them into a jar, and pouring in too much sugar and not enough water. Nothing will ever stay the same, the best we can do is just embrace the change. People do change, but only when they accept themselves for who they will never be, and what they ought to be doing. Make your own plans, but by all means, don't stick to them like glue. Make revisions, but don't erase. Your life is written pen, don't feel bad when you can't take it back. We're only human, we all make mistakes. My job is to forgive you and to love you no matter what. And that's just the thing, friend. I'm here for you, no matter what you do. I love you, no matter what. Keep that in mind.
Love,
Your Friend.

I mean it. <3

When The Thorn Bush Turns White...

2009-09-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be. - Anne Frank

One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. - Jack Penn

Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means. - Robert Louis Stevenson

No act of kindness, however small, is wasted. - Aesop

To the extent that you entertain lies and deceit, you are held prisoner in a world cut off from reality. The truth you hide from yourself, prevents you from growth and fulfillment. The truth you hide from others, keeps you distantly apart. The truth shines a bright light on life, so you can clearly see the way to go. Success, achievement, happiness, joy, fellowship, and fulfillment, thrive in the warm and nurturing light of the truth. Honesty is the most direct path to wherever you want to go. Truth and honesty are often difficult, yet never more difficult, in the end, than deceit. To think otherwise, is to deceive even yourself. Hiding in the shadows of falsehood, makes it impossible to move forward. That the truth is moral and ethical, is no secret. Yet truth is also practical, efficient, and effective in every worthy pursuit, something well known by those who enjoy lasting success. Live in the bright, empowering light. Embrace the truth. It always servesyou best. - Ralph Marston

Capture your dreams and your life becomes full. You can, because you think you can. - Nikita Koloff

If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they may have planned for you? Not much. - Jim Rohn

I wanted a perfect ending...Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. - Gilda Radner

It's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. - Hubert Humphrey

Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would be realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. - Henry Miller

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature,nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all. - Helen Keller

Every single one of us can do things that no one else can do - can love things that no one else can love. We are like violins. We can be used for doorstops, or we can make music. You know what to do. -Barbara Sher

Live out of your imagination, not your history. -Stephen Covey

We hate some persons because we do not know them; and will not know them because we hate them. - Charles Caleb Colton

Chew on that.
<3

A Simpler, Sweeter Song(:

2009-08-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

The ocean can take us all away,

but next time there will be no right or wrong.

I'm on your side,

as the waves come crashing onto the shore.

I'm here picking you up at the waist

and carrying you above the sea.

I'm the one building you a fortress out of sand,

and crowning you queen,

because that's who you are to me.

You dance at sunset,

a beautiful sillhouette in the sky.

Why won't you let me take hold of your hand?

I will let you know just who I am,

if I only could look into your eyes.

The wind sweeps in over the fire that we've built to keep warm,

playing with the flames.

Come on and sit down on a log,

let me sing you a simpler, sweeter song.

Stretch your smile to your ears,

don't stop unitl it starts to hurt.

The fire burns to ashes, and you begin to doze.

Here I go, to try to prove myself to you.

I grasp your hands in mine,

and kiss your forehead that's facing the stars.

Your eyes flutter open

and our lips meet on this cold summer night.

I don't want to be me.

2009-08-26T01:05:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking, about who I really am. . .These past three years, I've been acting and pretending and striving and hoping, and dreaming to be someone. Someone important, someone worthwhile, someone happy, someone everyone likes. I've had many revelations, many realizations and many, many dissappointments. I went from being strong to breaking down, from breaking down to being confident and content. I've been so many things, felt so many feelings and gone so many ways. I'm not sure who I am, or who I want to be. I'm only sure of one thing, and it's that I'm confused.I try to be the great friend, the perfect daughter. I can't be perfect and I know that. But I feel like I'm still inadequate, no matter what I do. Like I can't live up to my friends and my sisters and other members of my family. Like I have to do better, and I can't just be happy with what I've got. I feel so fake, so much of the time. I try to make it seem like I can trust people but I really trust them way too much. I end up spilling my life story to them within the first few weeks and they never talk to me the same and they act differently around me, and it's my fault. I am always trying to be optimistic and hopeful, but really I'm pessimistic and down , most of the time.I have a lot of great friends, none of which I deserve to have. I try too hard, way too hard , to be liked, to be a good friend, and to be confident in myself; to be comfortable in my own skin. I lie to people, I tell them that I'm happy, that I have these awesome plans for the future, and that I know what I want to do. In reality, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know if I HAVE a future, at this point.I feel guilty every day for the decisions I've made, that have altered my life permenantly, that have had a lasting impression. I have too many scars, too many opinions, too many mooods. I know I say I have no regrets, but I do. I regret leaving her in the past, for something so stupid. I regret letting go of my best friend of the time, and giving up on her for her telling me the truth. I feel like a cruel person, like I deserve the pain I feel. Because I know I do.Not a soul knows every little thing about me, I'm too scared to share my deeper secrets. I've been told that I'm just pushing away everyone that tries to help me; that person was right. People have been through worse, and yet I still feel like it's the end of the world. I know I can help myself, and still I make excuses. I hate it when people have a reason but make up an excuse. So, I hate myself.I don't even know what do do anymore. I feel like a failure. I know I'm just a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. I don't even know anymore. I just dont't know.

Pinched Nerve
2009-08-21T17:48:00.000-07:00
I went and saw my pediatrician today; she thinks the pain in my leg is from a pinched nerve in my back. She sent a refferal to a neurologist, so I can get an expert's opinion, and possibly an MRI if needed, which will most likely be needed.

Although, the problem may solve itself before I even get an appointment scheduled with the neurologist. I hope so <3.

The Pain In My Leg,

2009-08-20T16:14:00.001-07:00

I'm unsure what it is,
I'm going to the doctor Friday.

It's numb and swollen, and I don't know what I did to it.
It freaking hurts; I hope it's nothing serious.
I'm probably just freaking out over nothing, like tendonitis or something.
I hope it's tendonitis or something that's just painful and not serious.

On a lighter note....
I'm a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding && I get to do her engagment photos.
<3

Bow down, and stare in wonder...

2009-08-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

Take a look at me,
throw your eyes in my direction.
Give me a once-over,
see just how messed up I am.
Matted hair
,and bloodshot eyes.
all this time I've been deteriorating.
My mask has cracked,
broken on the floor
,shattered, scattered,
left an ugly face for the world to see.
Felt like I couln't move forward,
Stuck in the past,
swinging like a pendulum,
perpetual frozen motion.
the sky is molded grey
,i push and I kick
but it won't fade away-
I can't help but wonder.
Am I a ghost,
stuck to wander and roam?
Am I a person,
lost, without a home?

I'm pretty sure I hate myself right now.

2009-08-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

ocean , sky, breathe, lie.
time, wounds, live, die.
scream, whimper, push, shove.
amber, romance, bird, dove.

words, paper, ink, pen.
bedroom, kitchen, attic, den.
love, hate, revenge, lust.
noisy, faithful, empty, trust.

....this turned into:

The empty ocean takes it's waves in,
whispers to the sky,
and breathes out the day,
for it has been a waste and a lie.

Time has taken it's toll
on my open wounds ,
tainting my life
with the will to die.

scream to make some noise,
whimper to express your pain,
push away your anger,
and shove away the fear.

amber eyes are envious
of the romance growing in the park
as birds like pigeons collect crumbs,
jealous of the pure white doves.

words like imagined phantoms
stain the lined paper and
the ink flows steadily
from the fountain's pen.

the stench of my bedroom has penetrated
the walls of the kitchen
and is twisting to the attic
and down to the den.

love has read your body
but hates not knowing how to interpret
languages of revenge
and the secret of lust.

noisy hearts beat
faithfully in tune.
an empty souless being,
calls a warning
of our impending doom.

Geez
XD

15 Honest Things

2009-07-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

I am terrified of mirrors. Absolutely, terrifed.
I can't ride a bike. My parents tried to teach me but we all sort of just gave.
I've never been on an official date, and I don't plan to any time soon.
I'm confused about a lot of things, like what I want to do once I've graduated High School.
At this point, I'm worried about a lot of people in my life.
I'm too shy to admit to a boy that I like him, and that I think I he's amazing.
I want to be a star in one of my schools' plays... but I know for a fact I'm not good enough for it to ever happen.
I'm scared that my computer will spontaneously combust with my typing on it.
I will always see my poetry as bad no matter how many times people tell me it isn't.
I am a perfectionist, and really terrified of getting my hands germy. I physically cannot do the dishes.
My favorite food , honestly, is tuna fish from the can. Straight . From. The. Can. :D
I have more sisters than I can count, and only two are biological.
I don't know if I believe in God.
My favorite shows are NCIS, and Degrassi.
I write at least sixt or seven poems everyday; about one or two makes it to the world's eyes.
I love every one of my friends unconditionally.

Oh yea! ;D

I Don't Mind

2009-07-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

when you told me you'd be there, I suspected a lie had come out of your mouth,
that a falsehood had managed to escape from between your lips.
when you told me that you would never leave me alone and by myself,
I never fully understood how truly you spoke your words,
or how long it would take for me to comprehend the severity of your
battle wounds or the pain in your coal black eyes.
The truth of the matter is and was, that I just don't belong,
but I cannot say goodbye to you today or any time in the future soon.
Speak to me and I will believe every word that you say,
But I will never in my life feel adequate.

Believe.

2009-06-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

the ineveitable
occurs
and we are here alone
cold
scared.
we are blind
and we are mute and
we are disgusted with
ourselves.
are we ready
to move forward
onwward, ahead
towards the best thing
we'll ever know?
outside the window
is what we call
a terrified world,
a world
in which we
belong.
we tire each other
out
because we are pulled
and stretched to
our limits-
never given relief.
are we ready
to open
our eyes to see,
to open
our mouths to talk
to our fellow
human beings
and
are we willing
to seek the truth
and speak the news?
we are taffy
stuck between
our children's teeth
we are wire wrapped around
our own hearts.
we are ready to be
fine
we are ready to be
okay
we are ready to be
here,
but
are we ready
to let Him
in,
and are we ready
to truly
live?

Will We Understand?

2009-06-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

"I am choking on my own words. I am lost in my own mind. I am feeling like I'm drowning. The words that come out of my mouth are not mine, they are not yours and they are not his. They are unspoken and they are quiet. They are vomit. They are pills. They are cruelty. They are everything I am not.

I am ingesting saliva that tastes foreign. I am not here for I am away and gone. My mind is suffocating me. My heart is blinding me. I am swallowing you whole. You are empty. You are full. You are contradicting me and my beliefs.

I cannot tell you the truth because all I know how to do is lie. I lie about happiness and attitude and progress. I do not speak truths about how I am bruised and broken and bleeding. I am tired and my arms, weak. I will have to promise that I will not cry. I will not die. I will...try.

You are cold. You are dark. I cannot see through the curtains in front of your window, they are far too black. They are not sheer or translucent. Opaque black was always the hardest to look out of.

At my pretend funeral, full of doctors and an odd smelling machine, you were there. You guided me towards the illuminating sky but you decided , half way there, that I was not okay. You discarded me like a piece of trash. And then half a mile later , after I had walked, you caught up. You picked me up again and tormented me.

When I open my eyes I see dark. When I close my eyes I see dark. When I am moving I feel still and when I am still I feel moving. My senses are wrong, an d I do not know how to cope. You have impaired my decisions and my thoughts. I do not decide, because you will make up my mind.

Sometimes you have to understand that I don't want to play this game. I do not want to count to ten and I do not want to hide under the sofa. It's dark there, and it's dark here. "

We are often blind to our own immeasurable talents, our capablities. Our capacity to learn and love. Our ability to move forward, to be resilient. Sometimes, we are overtaken by problems bigger than us. As a society, we have a tendency to judge people who face these larger than life obstacles; however, as a community we are capable of assisting, caring, loving, and being a friend. So today is the day we stand up and try to get the stigma to diminish. People who have been through or are going through a mental illness, or have seen a loved one go through or are seeing a loved on go through a mental illness, are just peopple. We are the same as you or Average Joe on the corner. We are not crazy. We are not going to hurt you, and it is not our goal to scare you. We are not the Freddy Kruegers of the neighboorhood, we are the people.Just.Like.You. We may have distorted views on life, and we may have a hard time with some things, and yes, we may be different. But, we are equal. Not one of us is created just the same, but we do have the same rights. To be treated kindly, with respect and be allowed some DIGNITY. So the next time you call someone crazy, think about how hard it is to deal with that label. Don't think that just because someone's acting a bit strange, that they're crazy. Because in reality, what IS crazy-and more importantly, what is normal? We are all different but we are all the same. We are human, and we are one. Take a stance, and take action. Do your part. Mental illness does not need to be something that is looked down upon. It is something just itching to be recognized and helped. So help those behind it. Be kind to your neighbor. Be courteous to the driver in the next lane. Offer to hold open the door for the person behind you. One simple act of kindness can , indeed, change the course of a lifetime.

Farewell!

2009-06-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had the privelege of doing the lovely Maggie's hair and makeup for her eighth grade farewell. We had a good time, and I got some pictures in as well. Thought I'd share some pictures, and some random quotes as well. <3

"It's good to keep in

mind that prominence is always a mix of hard work, eloquence in your

practice, good timing and fortuitous

social relations. Everything can't be personalized. "

-Barbara Kruger

Quotes of the Day

2009-06-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

"the girl at her music sits in another sort of light, the
fitful,
overcast light of life, by which we see ourselves and
others only
imperfectly, and seldom." -susanna kaysen

"you can't learn to tell the truth ,
until you learn to lie." -sixx am

"an empty road guides you to a fulfilling future." - author unknown

"As we grow old…the beauty steals inward." -ralph waldo emerson
"when you know yourself well enough to know others, that is when you have accomplished life." -author unknown

You're Not Alone?

2009-06-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

fields of butterflies
and diamonds glistening
all around and we are
at home here.

thread unravels from
the spool
reds and greens and blue
fall to the floor.

a rifle goes off once
with a bang and of course
we are accustomed
to the noise.

uneven breaths circle the room
where we stand quiet-
blind and deaf to
our surroundings.

can we take a hint,
simply just soak it in?
we'll take what we need
while there is still time.

we have a mild mishap
and we are no longer
innocent and naive-
we are experienced and mature.

We are also so ignorant.
A gun goes off just once-
We never called a warning.

After All I've Seen..

2009-06-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Midnight:

it's suddenly clear to me how you've messed with my mind
I am surprised and disgusted and ultimately betrayed,
but why in the world, I wonder, could you have
not warned me ahead of time?

My life is shattered
into millions of pieces.

3:32 A.M.:

I cannot leave alone the memories of us
because the picture frame is coincidentally
made of bullet-proof glass and you need to understand
how this was all a hit or miss.

Maybe you can recognize me
as more than just a speck on this planet Earth.

6:30 P.M.

Decisions made out of impulse often will backfire
but sometimes they are the only kind that
leave you with the result that you desire.
I was never one to rise to the occasion.

deafened.
loud.
strange.

6:32 P.M.

You cannot seem to grasp how time does not heal all wounds
You do not understand the scars on my heart do not fade.
You will not be obliged to do anything further.
We are not involved.

11:19 P.M.

The radio blasts out the news to all
"Two found dead on Northshire Road,
a crime of passion is utterly suspected."

Isn't it ironic
how one person
just happens to
go from sane
to crazy when
left alone
when the intent of
being left was to
prevent insanity?

How do we not see?

Note*the above was PURE fiction.*

Cross
2009-06-12T18:12:00.000-07:00
"when we were all too small to think about being big, we were never concerned with who wore what, and who was sleeping with who, because we were too busy with being kids. kids playing in the neighbor's yard and counting to ten for hide and go seek. but now that we're getting close to grown, and we've gotten pretty big, we are so obsessed with what everyone else is doing wrong, instead of looking at what they're doing right." -author unknown

sighs

For You.

2009-06-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

the shadows of your eyelashes

forth so many memories

unraveled from the yarn of

so many years gone by.

i am blind to the color of
your teal green eyes
because you are the only one
that has ever looked into mine.

freckles dot both of your cheeks,
precious angel kisses that
only you and I can see for
their true beauty.

i sense only a simple wonder
as you play the piano
as an attempt to drown out
the sounds within your mind.

i cannot assure you of your
worth if you do not listen to my eyes
that speak more words
than any book ever could.

You are fine,
and you belong in this earth
to love and be loved,
gently and wonderfully.

This will mean different things to different people.

Interpret as you will.

"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others

2009-06-05T14:47:00.001-07:00

"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others
Originally uploaded by Erika Lyn

2009-06-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

^.^ I made that.

View it bigger here :http://i40.tinypic.com/231mky.jpg.

Been thinking about a lot today; stupid kids in my painting class and how they are effecting how I'm doing. Which is actually pretty good; I started on my portrait today and it's looking snazzy so far(;
I'll post pictures later on tomorrow.

Ciao!

Self-Injury Awareness

2009-06-02T15:02:00.001-07:00

Self-Injury Awareness
Originally uploaded by kookykrazzy

Be Aware.

Not much to say today, I don't really know how to say what's on my mind.
Just be aware of the people around you, and how they hurt.
Don't Ignore Them

2009-05-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home..."

(Even In Death-Evanescence)

This photo is for my Photo I class, the 'emotions' project.

I know it's been overdone; but hey- I like it.

Such Great Heights

2009-05-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

"Such Great Heights"

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

-The Postal Service(covered by Iron&Wine)

"I think it's fairly safe to say that I've fallen on my face for you." -Anonymous

The Veronicas!

2009-05-25T11:38:00.001-07:00

I will be seeing these lovely ladies perfom live, June 26,2009, at Portland's Hawthorne Theatre.

For Siarra.

2009-05-24T23:17:00.001-07:00

I know you and I aren't the best of friends, and we never really have been.

But I just wanted to let you know that you are incredibly strong, and I look up to you for that.

I know you suffer from your RND, and I pray every single day that a treatment, or a cure, will be found-and soon. I also pray that you keep up this positive attitude that I am so amazed by. By far, you are one of the strongest people that I know.

I am honored to even have spoken to you. You are kind, and open-minded. Your heart is so full of love and your mind is just jam-packed with dreams. I just can only hope that you never give up on any of those dreams. I KNOW that you can achieve them. Don't let RND get you down. Ever. If you ever need anyting, please don't hesitate to ask. <3>

<33333

2009-05-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

I love you.

Paul Blart: MALL COP

2009-05-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

So I just saw this movie with my bestie Jess.(: Oh my gosh, it was E-P-I-C! For a cheesy comedy, it was actually pretty intense. I loved the tattoos, and the plot twist when the SWAT leader is IN ON THE HOSTAGE SITCH. I am going to go babble about this to CB some more, catch you all later, and remember, SAFETY never takes a holiday! xD

What Garbage ^.^

2009-05-24T17:00:00.001-07:00

I LOVE GARBAGE. Okay, so, more specifally, I love Shirley Manson.

She's just an amazing woman and a great singer. Garbage's music is what I listen to when I need to just let loose. Aha, or when I'm writing. Y'know? I thought I'd share some of my faovorite songs, some by Garbage, some not by Garbage. ^.^

*.*

1) Bleed Like Me/Garbage

2)Boats&Birds/Gregory and the Hawk

3)Sober/P!nk

4)For What It's Worth/Buffalo Springfield

5)Backstabber/Dresden Dolls

6)Lithium/Nirvana

7)I Hope You Dance/Leanne Womack

8)Sunny Came Home/Shawn Colvin

9)White Flag/Dido

10)Lady Marmalade/Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Mya, Lil' Kim, Missy Elliot

11)Mad World/Gary Jules&Michael Andrews

12)Such Great Heights/ Iron and Wine (also The Postal Service)

13)Whyyawannabringmedown/Kelly Clarkson

14)Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World/Aselin Debison

15)Fuck You/Lily Allen

And yep, I like "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.

That be all (:

Healing.

2009-05-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

Eleven weeks, today. That is a LONG time for me. I'm pretty much done and over with it. I've been writing so much lately, and I think that's what's helping. Despite last night being stressful and somewhat overwhelming, I got through it. *whoot*

So, I decided to make a poster about SI. My favorite quote about it is on it, and a photograph I took of some flowers, that I feel fits pretty well. View it bigger here: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/onblack.php?id=3560497625&posted=1

Have a good one, everyone.(:

2009-05-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today is an exceptional day. It's only morning, but I'm so excited! I get to work on my room today, clean it all up and decorate! Gah, I've been waiting for this forever , so I'm pumped! I've been listening to Superchic[k] all morning, and I love them, haha. <.<

Yes, that picture was taken by me ^.^. It's my ex-best friend's feet. Aha!

Well, time for some positive-ness for the day, though I'm already in a good mood. : D

I am beautiful,

I am happy,

I am gifted,

I am amazing.

Okay, that's probably quite enough for one day. ^.^

Yeah, I use this as my journal. Bad days, lots and lots of positive affirmations. Good days? Not so many. Lol.

And now for my favorite quote of the day,

"You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all."

-"Bowling Ball", Superchic[k].

Have a nice day, everyone!

:]

2009-02-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

as she sits
alone in the corner
the sidewalk becomes her friend,
her companion
when no one else seems to care.

this is harder
than it looks
to your naked and untrained eye
it's more than just a phase,
it isnt just a game

when she bled
those tears
she wasnt asking for your criticism
or your opinion
she was asking for your help

she tried her best
to fake the smile
that put everyone else at ease
but eventually the mask cracked
and look what was underneath.

Strength

2008-01-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

"Tracing the steps that I take, feeling the mistakes that are fake. Making excuses like imaginary friends run away."
I'm listening to Tell Me Why. I don't know why that line sticks out so much. It just does.
Last night, was probably the one of the worst nights of my life. But my friend, she made me realize something that's very vital to life.
Things are hard, but you know what? They do get better. Things are dirty, and mussed up. Things are broken;shattered into a thousand pieces. That's life. Nothing is perfect and nothing is ever easy. But there's beauty in the mess we call living. The dirt on a person's face, it shows what they've been through. We're all strong. We all know pain, we all know suffering. Some more than others, but we've all experienced. It's not the amount that matters, it's not the intensity. It's knowing we all screw up, that we all know what hurt feels like. But it's knowing to forgive others, and more importantly, ourselves. We just need to keep moving. There's always hope. Nothing is ever totally lost.

Stop pushing yourself away. Face yourself, and fix what you need to fix.

I realize, now, that suicide is not an answer, it never was an answer, and never will be an answer.

I believe that you shouldn't be ashamed of what you're going through, or what you've been through. If you are, I don't mind. It takes time to open up. But I believe that by sharing our stories to our peers, to those who have been there and even those who haven't, we can get better. We can get lifted up, we can get a hand to help us off the floor. Because we don't have to stay down forever. There's always somebody who's willing to help you up. Let them come to you. Let them help you. Because you are never alone.
Have faith, and believe in yourself. Let the stars shine, and reach for the light.

Stay strong. You are strong. And you'll only get stronger.

Love is unconditional, and love is not blind.

Open your arms,

And love.