I've been thinking, about who I really am. . .These past three years, I've been acting and pretending and striving and hoping, and dreaming to be someone. Someone important, someone worthwhile, someone happy, someone everyone likes. I've had many revelations, many realizations and many, many dissappointments. I went from being strong to breaking down, from breaking down to being confident and content. I've been so many things, felt so many feelings and gone so many ways. I'm not sure who I am, or who I want to be. I'm only sure of one thing, and it's that I'm confused.I try to be the great friend, the perfect daughter. I can't be perfect and I know that. But I feel like I'm still inadequate, no matter what I do. Like I can't live up to my friends and my sisters and other members of my family. Like I have to do better, and I can't just be happy with what I've got. I feel so fake, so much of the time. I try to make it seem like I can trust people but I really trust them way too much. I end up spilling my life story to them within the first few weeks and they never talk to me the same and they act differently around me, and it's my fault. I am always trying to be optimistic and hopeful, but really I'm pessimistic and down , most of the time.I have a lot of great friends, none of which I deserve to have. I try too hard, way too hard , to be liked, to be a good friend, and to be confident in myself; to be comfortable in my own skin. I lie to people, I tell them that I'm happy, that I have these awesome plans for the future, and that I know what I want to do. In reality, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know if I HAVE a future, at this point.I feel guilty every day for the decisions I've made, that have altered my life permenantly, that have had a lasting impression. I have too many scars, too many opinions, too many mooods. I know I say I have no regrets, but I do. I regret leaving her in the past, for something so stupid. I regret letting go of my best friend of the time, and giving up on her for her telling me the truth. I feel like a cruel person, like I deserve the pain I feel. Because I know I do.Not a soul knows every little thing about me, I'm too scared to share my deeper secrets. I've been told that I'm just pushing away everyone that tries to help me; that person was right. People have been through worse, and yet I still feel like it's the end of the world. I know I can help myself, and still I make excuses. I hate it when people have a reason but make up an excuse. So, I hate myself.I don't even know what do do anymore. I feel like a failure. I know I'm just a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. I don't even know anymore. I just dont't know.