listening to the music play when i logged onto my blogger tonight, opened something up in me. in writing i tend to coat words and try so hard to find a word that will make more sense, sound better, be pretty or flow "better". what is better? i want to know, i want to know! a lot of craziness has happened in my head, and i don't know how to explain it really. i feel like i've swam in a circle even though i know i've moved forward. it's crazy, i tell you. sheer insanity. i don't get how i can get up in the morning and look in the mirror at my gross face, my fat, my mop of hair, and still go out in public. of course after shower and make up and hair do'ing but when i come home at night, and plop wherever i plop down (i'm good at that, doing the dive and collide with furniture....and floors) i can't help but be slightly disgusted. at the same time, though, i have days where i feel totally empowered and i can be like I LOOK LIKE UTTER SHIT- and not have a care in the world about it. i pick so much at what i didn't do during the day, but looking back at a year ago, six months ago, even, i don't do it nearly as much, not half as much. it's not the most important thing on my mind, worries and anxiety isn't the first thing i think about and the last thing i think about. i'm trying to be a better person by being honest about myself and really, REALLY feeling the things i feel and not tucking them back inside. i know from experience that that gets me absolutely nowhere. if i take apart november of 2009, i was a wreck of all kinds of things. i didn't feel like a real human being and time was kind of in a stand still. it wasn't really going anywhere, and that's what i felt like. but going through christmas and new year's and my birthday in february and then my niece's and sister's birthday in march, the months passed by slowly and surely but the one thing i figured out was that i can always count on time to pass. tomorrow will be here shortly and if this day is horrible and rotten, i can always try again tomorrow. but i try to make the best of the shit days because i might not GET a second chance tomorrow. so i've reached a sort of compromise in my head- if i don't like how i am today, i'll make the best of what i am today, bad, good or just mediocre. but i will at least try to be positive. and if (hopefully, when) tomorrow arrives, i'll get up and do it again with a smile on my face and a big, warm, open heart. if that isn't progress, i don't know what is. i think i'm safe to say i'm content with where i am right now. now to just chew on some other stuff, but my hand is going to fall off if i don't stop typing. xo
